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charmionI'm trying to get some writing done, but work is not cooperating. The mood shift needed to come down from thinking up things that threaten to break my brain like 'if we create a new main identifyer, work processes will be best served in the future, though we would have to restructure our database and modify x and y that are dependent on it' to get to emotional upheaval and elvish immortal longings appears to be quite great. It's not the politics that slow me down right now.
But I'm posting an outtake to keep myself involved (that took me days and days but progress!). And I found the perfect come-down music. (The most beautiful bit starts here, but the whole piece is perfect)
Those first tumultuous days, after we were ripped from what had been our home and Círdan brought us to this land, made a lasting impression on my mind. The uncertainty. The many strangers, who did not understand. Most of the people around us - those that spoke to us and did not hurry away when we entered a room with something akin to fear in their eyes - wished us well, expecting us to rejoice in being among our own again, but I could feel nothing but sadness at what we had left behind. This, I knew, I could not share with anyone. Elros and I would not speak of Maglor, but I knew he felt the same. Those who expressed their hate at the brothers within our earshot would be surprised when we did not join in their scorn, and left us, bemused.
I mostly kept to my allotted rooms, trying to make sense of all that was in my heart. And then one day an elf came to me with a request from you, to meet you in your private courtyard.
In your dwellings your name was on everyone's lips, but if I had any expectations of you, few of them were met. Maglor had spoken of you with all the hatred of someone who was aware that his own actions had made it impossible for his admiration to be requited, though I did not understand it then. Maedhros... No, I do not want to speak of him. He had few good words for anyone.
I had expected you to be surrounded by courtiers, but when I entered all I found was a lone tall figure dressed in a bright blue cloak strewn with threads of silver, with his back turned to me. In sharp contrast to the rest of the court, the courtyard was quiet, a tiny haven of silence underneath a tangled roof of vines and flowers that filled the thick, warm air with their fragrance. I didn't make a sound and tried not to disrupt, but took this opportunity to study you. You stood leaning against the wall, one arm up, your forehead resting on your clenched fist. You seemed not to have heard me. I saw the tension in your whole posture, though your downward-turned face was hidden behind a curtain of hair as dark as night which, too, was threaded with silver. Nothing except those silver threads betrayed that you were, indeed, the king.
I realised I was nervous, but would do best to hide it. You were king here. You had our fate in your hands, mine and Elros', and we were at your mercy, whoever you turned out to be. Trying to steady myself I drew a deep breath, shifted my weight to both feet, squared my shoulders and lifted my chin - exactly as Maglor had taught us. "No matter how small you feel, stand great, and few will treat you with disdain." He'd said it often, as if it was the most valuable life lesson he could teach us.
It was then that you turned your head and looked at me from between your hair. With a sudden catlike movement you straightened until your whole body had changed, all tension gone. Your eyes lit up and your smile was blinding. The transformation was as warming as the first rays of the sun after a long winter's night. For at least a minute, you just looked at me silently, smiling. I did not blink.
When you finally spoke, your voice was warm. "Your presence here is like a miracle to us, youngest son of Eärendil. You and your brother's both. Wherever we will build our home now, I hope you will regard it yours." With quick steps you approached me, and you unceremoniously laid your hands on my shoulders.
I felt myself responding to you almost uncontrollably - not just to your words, but to your closeness and the light in your face. I smiled back. My breath left my body. With it went my apprehension, to make place for a new kind of anticipation.
I did not say much, that first afternoon. You asked me many questions, which I answered in few syllables. But I basked in your warmth. I felt slightly dizzy, and excited, to be the object of such lavish attention so unexpectedly. I'd met friendliness in my life, and some tenderness, but never before undivided interest.
If it was love I felt I did not recognise it yet or know it, but you had. And I wonder why. What quality did you perceive in me?
But I'm posting an outtake to keep myself involved (that took me days and days but progress!). And I found the perfect come-down music. (The most beautiful bit starts here, but the whole piece is perfect)
Those first tumultuous days, after we were ripped from what had been our home and Círdan brought us to this land, made a lasting impression on my mind. The uncertainty. The many strangers, who did not understand. Most of the people around us - those that spoke to us and did not hurry away when we entered a room with something akin to fear in their eyes - wished us well, expecting us to rejoice in being among our own again, but I could feel nothing but sadness at what we had left behind. This, I knew, I could not share with anyone. Elros and I would not speak of Maglor, but I knew he felt the same. Those who expressed their hate at the brothers within our earshot would be surprised when we did not join in their scorn, and left us, bemused.
I mostly kept to my allotted rooms, trying to make sense of all that was in my heart. And then one day an elf came to me with a request from you, to meet you in your private courtyard.
In your dwellings your name was on everyone's lips, but if I had any expectations of you, few of them were met. Maglor had spoken of you with all the hatred of someone who was aware that his own actions had made it impossible for his admiration to be requited, though I did not understand it then. Maedhros... No, I do not want to speak of him. He had few good words for anyone.
I had expected you to be surrounded by courtiers, but when I entered all I found was a lone tall figure dressed in a bright blue cloak strewn with threads of silver, with his back turned to me. In sharp contrast to the rest of the court, the courtyard was quiet, a tiny haven of silence underneath a tangled roof of vines and flowers that filled the thick, warm air with their fragrance. I didn't make a sound and tried not to disrupt, but took this opportunity to study you. You stood leaning against the wall, one arm up, your forehead resting on your clenched fist. You seemed not to have heard me. I saw the tension in your whole posture, though your downward-turned face was hidden behind a curtain of hair as dark as night which, too, was threaded with silver. Nothing except those silver threads betrayed that you were, indeed, the king.
I realised I was nervous, but would do best to hide it. You were king here. You had our fate in your hands, mine and Elros', and we were at your mercy, whoever you turned out to be. Trying to steady myself I drew a deep breath, shifted my weight to both feet, squared my shoulders and lifted my chin - exactly as Maglor had taught us. "No matter how small you feel, stand great, and few will treat you with disdain." He'd said it often, as if it was the most valuable life lesson he could teach us.
It was then that you turned your head and looked at me from between your hair. With a sudden catlike movement you straightened until your whole body had changed, all tension gone. Your eyes lit up and your smile was blinding. The transformation was as warming as the first rays of the sun after a long winter's night. For at least a minute, you just looked at me silently, smiling. I did not blink.
When you finally spoke, your voice was warm. "Your presence here is like a miracle to us, youngest son of Eärendil. You and your brother's both. Wherever we will build our home now, I hope you will regard it yours." With quick steps you approached me, and you unceremoniously laid your hands on my shoulders.
I felt myself responding to you almost uncontrollably - not just to your words, but to your closeness and the light in your face. I smiled back. My breath left my body. With it went my apprehension, to make place for a new kind of anticipation.
I did not say much, that first afternoon. You asked me many questions, which I answered in few syllables. But I basked in your warmth. I felt slightly dizzy, and excited, to be the object of such lavish attention so unexpectedly. I'd met friendliness in my life, and some tenderness, but never before undivided interest.
If it was love I felt I did not recognise it yet or know it, but you had. And I wonder why. What quality did you perceive in me?